Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Are Perfect Relationships Possible?

Thus far, we’ve established that nature is perfect. We’ve also established that human beings are nature. Therefore, people are perfect. If we observe nature, it seems she does not make mistakes, even if we don’t fully comprehend her plan. With that said, how is it that two people who are essentially perfect come together in a relationship that falls apart? In the US, more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Nature does not divorce herself from us. She operates in cycles. She wastes nothing and has an intention for every event, whether it’s
seasons, floods or earthquakes. 

If we take a step back and start with atoms, we see they can have characteristics that can be termed male and female – positive and negative charges. Since everything is made of atoms, everything depends on the cooperation of male and female energy. When we observe living objects, plants and animals follow the same pattern. Nature made male and female to perpetuate life. Yet, humans find themselves in a battle of the sexes. If the male and female charges in an atom were at war with one another, there is a chance life, as we know it would end.

If nature’s intention was for male and female to work together, why do people believe relationships are so difficult? In nature, it appears simple for other plants and animals to come together. Are we defying nature? Do we believe we are smarter than nature?

Perhaps it’s the opposite. For centuries, people have been conditioned to believe they are not enough. In addition, we have been indoctrinated with the belief that we are imperfect. While we can accept that others are imperfect, it can be a problem to face the imperfections others claim we have. As a result, we spend our lives hiding the fact we have bought into the idea of being imperfect or not enough. In addition, we have designed an educational system that gives us proof that we can only be smart if we obtain straight A’s. If we don’t get straight A’s, it may be proof that there is something wrong with us. At the same time, if we do get straight A’s, the implication may be that we lack in another parts of our lives. We are never allowed to embrace our individual perfection. Our greatness is always measured against someone else and leaves us with the belief we are lacking.

This dynamic creates conflict within ourselves. That conflict shows up in our relationships with others. Once we believe in our own individual imperfections, we strive to find the imperfections in others. If we can’t, we may resent them.

If you observe, this dynamic only exists as conversations in our minds. It is not a fact that any of us is imperfect. Except, when we believe we are, we constantly defend ourselves against others. We fight others off so they will not discover what we know about ourselves; we are not enough. This is a major part of the human paradigm. It’s passed down from generation to generation through conversations and actions. Furthermore, we believe if we protect ourselves, we will have psychological security. When in fact, the more we defend ourselves, the less security we have.

Are we stuck with this? No! That part of the human paradigm is analogous to an addiction. The first step is to distinguish the conversations of protectionism to which we are addicted. It can be a conversation that sounds like the following: no one will love me, I am not smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, I’m too smart, not strong enough, etc. These conversations drive us to over compensate. Once we distinguish them, we can manage them and choose a new and empowering conversation.

In relationships, it’s important to make these distinctions. In many cases, people who share similar inimical conversations can be attracted to one another. However, since they want to hide self-doubt, they may become defensive against the very person who cares for them and shares the same self-doubt. That defense can turn into animosity. On the other hand, if the couple could explore those conversations together, they could be an extremely important support structure for one another. As they go through their journey to create more empowering conversations about whom they want to be, what they are committed to and what it will take to get there, they will have the greatest compassion and empathy for one another. That can be such a perfect relationship.  

What do you think? I’m open to ideas. Or if you want to write me about a specific topic, let me know.

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