Monday, July 23, 2012

Do You Have It All Backwards?

As people, we strive for success, whether it be through career, lifestyle, relationships, etc. We claim that once we have the right job, spouse, car, clothes, etc., we will be able to do the things we really want, and eventually become the person we’ve always wanted to be. This strategy however, is not only backwards looking: it will require more years than most will ever live to accomplish it.

Instead, consider the phrase “Be, Do, Have.” Before anything, decide whom you want to be known as: Successful? Trustworthy? Responsible? Kind? Only then will you be able to focus your
actions towards the outcomes you seek, and attaining your desired possessions.

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:29 describes the woman who is altruistic in character, completes that through action, and is rewarded accordingly so. Unlike the others who do to look noble, she has the heart to be noble and responded thus. Ultimately, Proverbs distinguishes between someone who is “doing noble” things and a woman who is “being” noble. 

In a real life example, I once dated a woman who wanted to have a loving relationship with me, yet believed without a doubt that all men cheat. Think about that. How do you create a loving relationship with someone when you have already presupposed that that person will cheat on you? There will only be mistrust and suspicion.

Unlike the woman from Proverbs, the woman I was dating was in her character “being” skeptical. Whether she realized it or not, her presupposed thoughts dictated how she acted.  

She limited what she shared and would do with me, always anticipating the day I would sleep with someone else. With this mindset, she created distance when she felt too close and resisted conversations or activities that allowed me to get closer. Nonetheless, she claimed she wanted to have a loving relationship.

As the relationship continued, she and I encountered a rough spot, causing her to assume I cheated. In response, she thought it necessary to get revenge by sleeping with another man only to learn that I had not entertained any intimacy with another woman.

Because her expectations for men were so low, she was willing to settle for whatever she got. In fact, she believed that having a relationship was enough and striving to create a great relationship was a waste of time. Regardless, her conviction about unfaithfulness prevented her from being more caring or responsive to love. Her fear of being hurt created a self-fulfilling prophecy for all her romantic relationships. This is unfortunate because she has an extraordinary capacity for being loving and tender.

If she had changed her way of being toward men, her subsequent actions and conversations would have allowed that desire for an intimate and loving relationship to manifest into reality.

Where do you stand in this? Are you the person you need to be to accomplish what you need to do, so that what you want to have is a natural progression from your actions?

What do you think? I’m open to ideas. Or if you want to write me about a specific topic, let me know. 

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